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Maybe I'm just scared.

Maybe I’m just scared.

If I could just be 3 again, before everything changed. It was so much easier when I was younger and fearless.

It’s hard to stay strong, trying not to shed a tear.

It’s even harder when everyone basically disappears.

My heavy chest, this sinking of my heart,

It’s getting easier to keep falling apart.

I’m not happy but I’m not depressed,

Everyday I feel a lot less.

Maybe my uncle will survive cancer, maybe my mom will get better.

Maybe my family will stop dying, maybe they will stop fighting and crying.

Maybe those people will leave us alone, maybe we’ll get back our throne.

Maybe I’ll start to feel again, maybe I’ll make new friends.

Maybe there’s a end to this sadness, maybe we weren’t born to be tragic.

I’m trying to look on the brighter side.

I have to face it, there’s nowhere else to hide.

Sure, I could keep wishing for it all to go away.

But of course I know this just won’t decay.

Daddy…it’s strange to say that out loud, but I want you to know that I miss you, though I didn’t get a chance to know you. I need to be in your arms and hear you say ‘you glisten’, but I will never hear that as hard as I listen. He killed you, 12 years ago and I’m still bitter about it, it’s true. It’s hard to swallow, I can only chew on that crimson sorrow.

I wish I was 3 again, everyone was still alive and we were all happy.

I’m scared of them, they keep coming after my family….who’s next?

Is it me? I hope not.

Today was a nice day.

I stayed home today, and instead of doing nothing all day I actually did my work.
I felt very productive, I got a lot of things done. The only thing that's still on my mind is that I have to read the entire The Great Gatsby by Monday. I'm sure I'll get that done though, I'm only in Chapter 3 and I watched the movie so even if I don't finish the book I still know what happens. Anyways, I don't really have much to say today.....except this week was such a busy week, I'm so glad my mom let me stay home today to catch up on my things. It was very much necessary.
Monday was my birthday (wonderful birthday might I add);
Tuesday I had a lot of work to do and my driving practice (I'm excited to take my driver's license test on May 28th!);
Wednesday was my brother's birthday so my family came over and was here until midnight and I had driving practice, therefore I didn't get to do my homework that night;
Thursday...well I barely remember Thursday, all I know is that it made me SO very tired;
When I woke up this morning I was pooped, if I went to school today I don't think I would have been able to function properly.

Well, now that I can relax I'm going to go on tumblr, possibly play video games after, and watch movies.
What a wonderful Friday, don't you agree? :D

I wish it could go away.

       I'm tired of being haunted. It's like I can't go anywhere without being reminded constantly about those ghosts and skeletons that I'm trying to keep in my closet. But everyday I find myself having to face all those nightmares over and over. I can deal with it, I know I can but I just wish I didn't have to. I wish I could be carefree, like I was when I was 3. It's really starting to make me uncomfortable with everything and myself, and I feel like I can't do anything about it. As if the only thing I can do is suck it up, be a big girl and deal with it. Which is what I'll do, I'll suck it up and deal with it, but how long do I have to deal with it? It's ruining my friendships and relationships and I can't seem to get past it all even though I want to, so bad. I know that you have the power to make your day go the way you want it to, but it doesn't work that way with me, not with all the shit I've gone through. It's in my past and my path, I just can't go there. And I don't want to believe that I'm holding onto this and I'm putting myself into this situation, and I don't believe that my destiny is to be tragic, so I'm going to try to put it all behind me. My birthday is in 2 days, so I'm hoping that I'll get a break and be happy. So maybe turning 17 will be a change for me.

It's been 12 years since it all began.
7 years since I tried to get rid of someone I love.
4 years since I numbed my pains.
3 years since I was confused.
2 and three-fourths of a year since he stole a part of me and I let him.
2 years since I betrayed someone I love.
9 months since I almost died.
And 3 weeks since the last time I felt.

Really Florida? Fucking really?

Sometimes I hate this place.

   You’re really going to do budget cuts for next year by getting rid of the best programs in the schools? The only programs that give students hope for the future? Once again, really?? What the fuck? First, you get rid of the music and arts in elementary and middle schools, now you want to get rid of it in high school? You’re basically leaving us nothing to hope for. This is ridiculous!

  We need our performing arts department and our sports! It’s the only thing keeping us sane. And what about KCP? The Kiddie Colonels program?! (those poor little kids, where are they going to go? My high school spent money fixing up a playground for those little kids, and for what? Nothing. Because now they’re getting rid of the program.) And peer counseling?! What’s wrong with you people?? Why would you get rid of those? And marching band? What’s the halftime show going to be now? No one wants to see those stupid cheerleaders do whatever they do out there, we don’t fucking pay attention to them.

  This just really sucks. Now what? I mean this issue doesn’t directly affect me because I’m not in any of those programs, it’ll only affect me if they get rid of drama class, but still it sucks. We were all so busy dealing with Senate Bill 6, that we weren’t really aware of these programs being cut. It kind of just snuck under everyone’s radar, and now we can’t do anything about it.

  It makes me wonder, why won’t anyone do something? Like all those fucking celebrities and athletes with all their money, why won’t they separate from their egotistical, superficial lives and donate some of that to us? It won’t kill them to give a little bit. I realize that Florida isn’t exactly the smartest state, and that we don’t have the best education to offer but we try.

  I’m afraid for the future. I’m afraid that the next generation won’t be able to feel the joy of music and won’t be able to express themselves because of the cuts. I’m afraid that we will raise robots with no feelings or thoughts, and I’m afraid that no one is going to do anything to stop it. I have a voice, and yeah one voice can make a difference, but it can only do so much. And I’m afraid it can’t do enough.

  I know the first chance I get, I’m leaving. I’m leaving this state, heck I’ll even leave this country. All I know is that I won’t let my children (if I ever have any… boy, what a scary thought) grow up being a robot.

Hello Stranger.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting this, and I promised that I would try to update it as often as possible but it's so hard, especially since I've Tumblr on my mind all the time. I've become addicted to that site now...it's sad lol. Anyways I've got something to tell you!!!
T. Lau and all those other guys are done with, you want to know why?
I've got a new guy!!!! :D I dumped all those other guys for him, well except for MetalHead, he's still there. I just don't have the heart to tell him about the new guy. Surprise right? Especially with how confused and stuck on T. Lau I was.
-sighhhhh- I can't explain all of this now because I don't have any time but I'm excited and happy, and nervous. He's starting to give me the Zsa Zsa Zsu (butterflies), which means he's becoming pretty special.
Wish me luck with him! -cross my fingers-

I really believe in love.

I've heard stories, I've read books.
I've seen people fortunate enough to find it
and stupid enough to let it go.
I know people that have passed up opportunities and take it for granted.
I've experienced it die and burn out like a single light-bulb that used to keep a beautiful room bright.
I listened to tears fall and hit the floor from the eyelids of the tragic souls that will never find it,
or have found it once but will never find it again, no matter how hard they try.
I've felt the bare, stark moments of 'almost' and 'never'.
I taste the crimson of it on my tongue.
I may be young, only 16, but I just want to surrender.
Am I too starry-eyed and undignified?
I just really believe in love.

It shouldn't be this much of a crime.
I don't do well with this kind of stuff. I'm kind of a screw-up when it comes to relationships, so I don't know what to do with Wishbone. He's different, in every way, from all the guys I've been attracted to before. It's strange. I mean, I didn't know before what to do with the previous guys, they just happened, but with Wishbone it's a different approach. I'm the one initiating everything, and I've never done this before. The guy is usually the one initiating the relationship with me. I'm so inexperienced and I'm kind of nervous. I haven't had butterflies like this since Elementary School, it's exciting and scary at the same time. So from the conversation we had last night I'm not sure if he likes me or not, and I'm really hoping he does. Now I know how guys feel. I think he may have rejected me, I'm not sure...I'm so confused. He was nice about everything last night, when I asked if we could try he said  he doesn't see a problem with it but he was talking to a girl in vero beach, but that's far from here and he doesn't know. So what doesn't he know? Then he says maybe next time I should come paintballing with him and his friends. Is that a friend gesture? Is he trying?...I don't get boys, they make no sense to me. Why can't they just be blunt? I was blunt. Don't beat around the bush with me and don't lead me on, that's all I'm asking. Then he wants to ask me why do I like him and when I give him an answer he says he was just curious. Jeez, I don't know how guys can deal with this stuff. It's frustrating. He's frustrating. I want to give up, but I don't...not yet. I want to give it my all but I'm afraid to get hurt and rejected. I want to be his friend, but I also want to be more. I don't know if I should be hopeful or disappointed or move on and keep my options open? Or if I keep my options open, will I seem like I'm not that interested in him anymore? -sigh- I don't even know why I'm stressing over this anyways. He's just a boy, right? Boys shouldn't be worth my troubles at this age.
....but I can't help it, he makes me smile uncontrollably. Potential heartbreak is knocking on my front door.


I'm deeply apologetic. This Monday, I broke his heart. MetalHead gave up smoking for me, to prove to me that's he's trustworthy and to show how much he truly cares about me; mind that smoking is something he would never give up for anyone. So I was surprised that he actually kept his promise, I told him not to do that for me, but he did anyways. He was so optimistic about us becoming a couple, I just couldn't turn him down when I really should have at that moment. I let a couple of days pass and I realize that he's getting really serious about it and I realized that if I don't let him know now that I don't want to be with him, it'll hurt him so much more in a couple of weeks. So on Monday he was texting me and said "it's been 6 days since I've given up smoking for you, but I don't even care because I'm still determined to keep going", right then I had to tell him...and I did, and it killed him. I felt like such a horrible person, I feel like my heart has been broken. Now, he walks around all depressed and sad, he doesn't talk to anyone anymore, and I think he hates me because he totally ignores me. But I told him months ago not to waste his time on me...why didn't he just listen? I've never broken a person's heart before, and I never want to do it again.

I have no feelings.

Thanks Mom, for letting me know that.
I didn't realize what a terrible daughter I was, and how heartless and cruel I am. You really opened my eyes. I could have swore you loved me. I didn't know I made you that angry. Maybe I was wrong all along, I guess I've always been wrong about everything. I'm sorry. If I could, I would disappear forever, so I wouldn't be a problem anymore for anyone. But since that's not possible yet, I guess you have to deal with me for another year. Just one more long year and I'll be out of your hair. I'll be out of everyone's hair. But no one feel bad for me, I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I won't let you ever feel bad for me because I'm used to this, I'm used to feeling like this. I don't like it but I'm used to it. I've been like this for 12 years, it's okay, I can probably deal with it for the rest of my life.
Sorry Mom, I'm sorry I ruined your day.

T. Lau :)

I’m trying to remember why I was afraid to be myself and let the covers fall away.
I guess I never had someone like you to help me fit in my skin.
You don’t have to make your mind up, I just wanna take my time with you.
If that’s alright?
Forgive me if I get too shy but maybe you’re the reason why, love, I’m feelin’ butterflies.